I Can't Believe It's Over

January 25, 2009 -- I had some contractions in the morning, but they were kind of sporadic and not really timeable. Eventually they dissipated. But all day I had cramps and I just didn't feel right. I barely leave the couch. Finally around 9:30 my husband and I make our way up to bed. Almost as soon as I get into bed, the contractions start up again. This time they are more intense and I start timing them. They are all five minutes apart. I also notice that I started bleeding again. These are not reassuring signs, so I call the on-call doctor. In what seems like somewhat of a lucky break, the on-call doctor is one of the doctors who we met with the previous week and she is very familiar with my case. She advises that we come in to the hospital.

We get to the hospital around 11:00 and they check the contractions. Sure enough, labor has begun. We had gone home to let nature take its course and for God's will to be done, and now we were back in the hospital, His will set in motion. They perform a quick ultrasound and the baby has moved way down, and is partially in the birthing canal. Also, the placenta looks even worse than it did before. I'm definitely bleeding more, and the doctors are somewhat concerned for my own safety, given that I had already lost blood the week before. The doctors recommend we try to speed up the labor process, since if I start losing too much blood, then we will have to perform a c-section. We want to avoid this, so we agree that since the wheels are already in motion, it is best to get this over as quickly as possible.

January 26, 2009 -- At 1:00AM they give me something that will speed up the labor process. But, by "speed up," they say it can still be upwards of 24 hours. Given how everything is gone, I assume it'll take awhile. My contractions start getting closer together and much more intense. By 4:40, the nurse stops by to check vitals, and I let her know that my contractions are very intense and they seem to be accompanied by a different type of pressure, low down in my uterus. She asks if I want to see the doctor sooner, or if I can wait until 5:00AM when they are scheduled to check back in anyway. I think 20 minutes shouldn't matter and I say it's okay to wait. After she leaves the room, I have another contraction. This time, I also feel a gush and suddenly I have a sensation to push. My husband hits the call button for me. The nurse comes back, does a quick check, and immediately pages the doctors -- for delivery.

I have no time to think, and the whole thing seems surreal. It happened so fast. At 5:13AM, our daughter makes her entrance. Unfortunately, she has no heartbeat. I so badly wanted to be the one who has a miracle baby -- the baby who defies all odds and is strong and healthy. This does not happen. She comes out, along with the placenta, which probably became completely detached even before delivery. She never had a chance, but that doesn't change the love me or my husband have for her -- even without a heartbeat. The nurses clean her and the chaplain is present to provide a blessing for her. The tiniest baby I have ever seen is wrapped up in blankets and handed to me. She has my nose and lips. Part of me wants never to let her go, but at least I got this much with her.

I may never know why this had to happen to us, what her purpose was, or what God's plan is, but now we will try to move forward with our lives. Our daughter will always be in our hearts, and I'm just glad that at least she didn't suffer.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. I will never forget how many people prayed for us during our time of need. I am typing this without having slept in over 32 hours, so I hope this makes some sense. Thank you all again.