It's Been Awhile

I'm really bad with posting updates, but I figured it was about time I got back on here and said something.

The surgery went well, despite having to fast ahead of time and then having my surgery pushed from 10:00AM to 2:30PM. I was starving! But it's all good and behind me now. The recovery was not bad at all, although they left a balloon cathetor in place for a week. With the word "balloon" in the name, it sounds fun. It's not. Not really painful, but uncomfortable and in the way. But, my body seems to have recovered from the surgery nicely and I feel the best I've felt in awhile. Next step is a follow-up saline ultrasound to make sure that everything healed up nicely. That should be in about three weeks or so, depending upon how my body cooperates (it needs to be done at a certain time of the month).

So, pending an all-clear there, we will be able to get this show on the road. I really just want to move on and know that I'll have healthy babies in the future. But, there's no speeding up time, so I'm really trying not to get ahead of myself or get down during the waiting. Easier said than done!

Less Than a Week to Go!

Well, today is my pre-op appointment.  One step closer to my surgery, which is now less than a week away (the 9th).  It's great that I've had something going on for the past few weekends, so the time really went by quickly.  I just hope that all goes well with today's appointment (I suspect it will), and that the surgery is successful!  I just want to be normal and have the same odds as everyone else.

Anyway, any good thoughts, prayers, whatever you've got to send my way would be great.  Thanks for all the support I've gotten so far!

Some News! And a Post Mother's Day Recap.

I guess the lady who schedules the surgeries must've heard my internal voice pleading for her to call me with a date since she called on Friday at 4:45pm.  I was completely dreading having to call her back (and my mind was hard at work concocting the worst possible scenarios), but luckily it didn't come to that.

On Tuesday June 9th I'll be getting knocked out to get "repaired."  I already know I have to wait three months after surgery before being able to try again, so I'm still on target for trying again around September.  It's funny how one little thing can change your mindset, but that's what has happened here.  Just knowing when the surgery is scheduled has helped to keep me positive and know that things are moving in the right direction.

It was also good that she called the Friday before Mother's Day.  I was already dreading that day, think of how I'm just an "almost Mother."  That I had got pregnant and had a baby, but had nothing to show for it except some extra fat and a tattoo.  But on Mother's Day, it didn't seem so bad or hopeless.  I had a great breakfast with my mom and family.  Then my husband and I worked in the garden and played outside for awhile.  Then we visited my mother-in-law and went grocery shopping.  All-in-all, not a bad day.  It does also help that when I do get down, my husband is always right there to remind me that one day (soon, he says) we will have our own little baby.

Also, here's a pic of my tattoo:

Waiting, Waiting, and More Waiting

I saw the doctor on Wednesday morning.  He confirmed that I will need surgery in order to be able to have a healthy baby (I was already guessing this).  There's a septum (basically a piece of scar-type tissue) in my uterus which needs to be removed.  Surgery should be no big deal (although I'll have to sign a stack of papers about six inches thick because there is all sorts of risks associated).  But, without the surgery, my chances of having a successful pregnancy are only about 10%.  Sucks.

So, on Thursday afternoon I call the doctor's office since I never heard.  The doctor didn't really tell me when they would call, just that we could probably do it in the next few weeks.  So, I talk to the surgery coordinator.  Turns out they actually have 7-10 days to call back, so she didn't really want to talk to me.  She just let me know that she has a lot of surgeries to book and that she is already booking into July.  Bummer, since I have to wait another three months after the surgery to try again.

As I said in the title, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I was going to call back to see if they have some sort of waiting list in case anyone cancels a surgery (I don't care if it is short notice), but my husband thought it was better to just wait and let the lady call me back.  Hopefully I'll hear something next week.  10 days would be about May 13th, so I guess I'll call after then if I don't hear anything.  I kind of just wish this could be easy and happen soon, but I guess that's too much.  It is what it is.

Everyone says that it's just as good to wait to give me even more chance to heal, both physically and emotionally.  I guess on a rational level I agree, but I mostly want to throw some sort of temper tantrum like a toddler to try and get my way now.

At least I'm taking this opportunity to get in shape and fix myself up!  I've already lost some weight and hopefully soon will be back down to what I weighed before getting pregnant.  I also got a tattoo with Heather's name and birthday written in it, so I'm happy about that, too.

A Rough Few Days

I've been feeling really depressed and angry the past few days.  I'm not even sure why.  When we went for the doctors appointment, the doctor found that I have a septum in my uterus.  He said this could've caused all the issues we experienced.  And since all my bloodwork came back normal, this is the most likely culprit.  It's something that is fixable and we have an appointment with a doctor to see what we need to do to fix me up.

Given that news, I *should* be happy we have an answer.  I *should* be happy that there is a plan.  I *should* be happy that I can be fixed and hopefully go on to have successes.

So, why am I depressed and angry recently?  Why do I feel like I took ten steps back in my grief and am now stalled?

I don't know the answers to those questions.  I am searching for something to break me out of this.  My husband assures me it will be okay.  But I can't help but question why this happened?  And since this happened, who's to say that good things will come my way?  There are no guarantees.

But, just this morning, I feel a little better.  What magic happened?  I don't know.  Maybe it's because I cried last night while my husband consoled me.  Maybe it's because I finally said outloud some of the things that weigh on my ming.  Maybe it's just that after a few days of feeling depressed and angry, I just don't want to be depressed and angry anymore.  Who knows.  

But I feel better and I can only hope that I'm taking a step in the right direction.  That I will be able to overcome this, even though just yesterday it felt hopeless.  

The Nurse Called Today

The nurse from the doctor's office called today. She had to tell me something about my chart, but since she had me on the phone, she told me a few other things, too.

So far, all my blood work is normal. Yes, this is a good thing, I guess. But I was really hoping for something like, "You have this condition, take this pill during pregnancy and both you and the baby will be fine." I still have the appointment with the doctor on Monday to go over everything, but that kind of deflated my bubble some.

Also, the regular doctor we wanted to see will be out of the office. So we'll be seeing a different doctor. We've seen this doctor before, and he's good and knowledgeable, but the last appointment where I saw him was my last appointment before going into the hospital, when things started really turning south. He didn't do anything wrong, but I just have bad memories from seeing him.

Even though nothing has really changed, I feel as though I've had a setback. I'm still trying to be positive for Monday's appointment, but it seems more difficult now. Besides, I've been thinking, it seems sad to me that the appointment I'm most excited about now is the appointment when we review the autopsy and pathology reports. Who would've thought that would be a good thing? But, I feel pretty negative now, like what's the point? It'll probably all be inconclusive or normal anyway.

I need something positive. I should remember that just because the blood work comes back normal, the doctor already mentioned that we can still treat the symptoms that I had with the first pregnancy (the blood clots in the placenta).

I just hope that God blesses us with a healthy baby this next time. I really want to be a mom to a healthy baby. I love Heather (my daughter in heaven), but I want her to have healthy siblings.

Whew, this is tough.

Finally Something Positive

I need to finally put something good in my blog. I haven't written anything in awhile. I've been sad, depressed, but most of all didn't feel like talking or sharing. It seemed like there was nothing worthwhile to say anyway. Well, today I feel the most positive I've felt in months. Yesterday I went to the doctor for my six-week check-up.

I thought yesterday's appt. would just be a standard six-week post-partum appt. Well, it was and it wasn't. We did all the standard stuff (my uterus and cervix all seem good), but the doctor sat and talked with me for like an hour! She went over all sorts of things, including the preliminary autopsy and pathology reports of the placenta. I found out some new information (on top of all the other things wrong, the cord was hyper coiled which is bad and leads to poor nutrition). And the doctor ordered some preliminary blood work to test for a bunch of clotting and blood disorders so that we'll be able to have the results when we meet with the doctor on the 23rd! Oh, and she talked to the front desk and snuck me in for an ultrasound on the 23rd before my appt. to look at the structure of my uterus!

I feel like I am finally starting to make some headway with what happened. Also, after reading the cause of death on the autopsy report, I feel lucky to have even had her for 27 weeks, because she didn't seem to have a chance. It seems like anything that could go wrong did go wrong with this pregnancy. But I'm hopeful that I'll be able to find something out and have a successful pregnancy down the line.

And, to top it all off, yesterday was a dreary, rainy day in Connecticut, but on my drive back from the doctor's office it started clearing up a little bit. The clouds broke apart and I saw part of a rainbow. I'm taking that as a positive sign that things are looking up and that I'm heading down the right road (both figuratively and literally -- since I ended up at my house). :)

So, I'm not naive enough to think that I'm "all better" now or that I won't have setbacks. But, for now I'm going to enjoy this feeling because it's been a long time coming.